Valentine’s Day

Ordered the wrong wine at the bar. I am sitting alone on Valentine’s Day waiting for a friend and I look like I’ve been stood up. Last year I was with a man I didn’t love anymore. This year I lost a man I never loved. But what if? That’s the constant question on my mind. And I know the answer. We were never going to work, I was obsessed with the idea of you and the fake conversations I had with you in my head. And when we spoke it would never be the same, it would never be enough but I lured myself into a false illusion thinking that it would get better. That one day you would say you loved me even though I wasn’t entirely sure that I was in love with you. In fact I was never in love with you, it was always the idea of you, the night me we met. It was like a fucking film. Catching eyes across the dance floor, making cool conversation, letting you know I was interested, walking me all the way home, the non stop conversation, the way you kissed me at my door, the sweet start to a doomed end. It was a god damn fairytale with a realistic ending. It ended. It was never meant to be and that’s okay, it just sucks and that’s also okay. I wish I never met you but I’m still glad that I did. You were never my person and you never will be but god I’ll miss those small moments. Waking up in your bed when I never intended to stay the night. The warmth of your back against my chest. Small kisses upon my forehead. The feeling of your hair. The way I would feel your lingering stare. Your perfect arms around my frame, holding me there, in that moment, where I still am. I can’t leave and I don’t know why. If I sat in your room one more time I know it wouldn’t be right but god I wish I could spend one more night.