Category: Poetry

I feel an unfathomable sense of loneliness when the sun goes down

Not for the lack of a partner

But for the lack of the glow that the day brings

The absence of the company of the day

I wear the glasses that pinch the bridge of my nose to soak up the details of the last moments before the sun goes down

The golden glow of my best friend’s hair

The dancing branches of the soft breeze in the trees

The conversations that left me in tears from laughing too hard

The small patches of sunlight through the kitchen window

How Edinburgh flats glow under the disappearing sky

Watching my cat curl up where the sun left its mark

I fear that I feel too much

Or sometimes not at all

That my emotions come out ten times stronger

But why hold back a feeling so strong

To embrace life’s beauty whilst accepting its flaws

Filling the night with literature, music, and film

Something to savour the beauty of the day

The desire to be close to someone fades away

The streets that were once cursed by tainted memories are just streets

In fact, I am happy whilst walking past them now

For the memories I have made

And the love I have felt

It was all worth it to feel the beauty of life

Despite the temporary pain

Beautiful things will come around again

Do you still think of me fondly?

As you lay your head to rest on the pillow where I used to dream beside you

Do you miss me in the same way that I miss you?

Do I truly miss you or just the version of you I first met?

You used to smile at me from between my thighs

Now you avoid my eye at the dinner table

Making excuses to avoid my messages

My heart grows colder as you fade away

I was just a convenience until I was an inconvenience

In my dreams you convince me it was real

but it’s not real it’s all in my head and it always has been

since you’re gone, I can erase the man in my head

a month has passed

I no longer miss the sweetness of your words

The small moments that break up the silences

I fill the void with my successes

Kissing boys at the bus stop where you left me

Leaving lipstick stains on coffee cups instead of your lips

Making my mark on the world without someone beside me

I deserve to be loved the way I love and cherish myself

Ordered the wrong wine at the bar. I am sitting alone on Valentine’s Day waiting for a friend and I look like I’ve been stood up. Last year I was with a man I didn’t love anymore. This year I lost a man I never loved. But what if? That’s the constant question on my mind. And I know the answer. We were never going to work, I was obsessed with the idea of you and the fake conversations I had with you in my head. And when we spoke it would never be the same, it would never be enough but I lured myself into a false illusion thinking that it would get better. That one day you would say you loved me even though I wasn’t entirely sure that I was in love with you. In fact I was never in love with you, it was always the idea of you, the night me we met. It was like a fucking film. Catching eyes across the dance floor, making cool conversation, letting you know I was interested, walking me all the way home, the non stop conversation, the way you kissed me at my door, the sweet start to a doomed end. It was a god damn fairytale with a realistic ending. It ended. It was never meant to be and that’s okay, it just sucks and that’s also okay. I wish I never met you but I’m still glad that I did. You were never my person and you never will be but god I’ll miss those small moments. Waking up in your bed when I never intended to stay the night. The warmth of your back against my chest. Small kisses upon my forehead. The feeling of your hair. The way I would feel your lingering stare. Your perfect arms around my frame, holding me there, in that moment, where I still am. I can’t leave and I don’t know why. If I sat in your room one more time I know it wouldn’t be right but god I wish I could spend one more night.

You wanted me to be something I am not

A little less, a little more, I am not sure

You fell in love with your perfect girl

But I am not her anymore

In fact I am so much more

You saw me as a goal, a prize, an idea

When I became too complex you threw that idea away

No longer your subservient angel in the house

I have burned my wings and learnt to stand

Becoming uninterested in your previous lover

You found interest in the idea of another

Only to discover she was more than you bargained for

God forbid a woman has her own thoughts and feelings

God forbid I became what you did not want

God forbid I cry when you hurt me

You twisted your words in ways that made me apologise for the wounds you caused

You watched my body bleed

And I stayed

In your helpless arms

There are scars on my face that were not there before

a scar from the night I felt another’s lips

a constellation hidden in plain sight

perhaps i deserved those ones

new freckles blossom that you never witnessed

only in summer when they met your sweet kisses

but winter turned them harsh and bitter

your lips no longer soft, but those of a sinner

places on my skin, tainted by another lover in liquor filled nights

he screamed perfection with every touch

but I cannot replicate your kiss

and I know your lips are not mine to miss

 

You kissed me with all the fire in your body

Did it burn out?

My body was a work of art, a pristine canvas

You messed it up with your surrealism

 

You told me I had the body of an angel

With the mind of a devil, luring you in with lust

From the moment our lips touched I knew it was real

Now all those songs we listened to are tainted by your kiss

 

There’s an empty space where you used to hold me

It kills me to think that you could fill that void so easily

My city is haunted by the ghost of our love

Every street has a dark and wonderful memory

 

When I saw you, your eyes weren’t the same

No longer filled with love or lust

Two beautiful ice cold voids of a stranger

It hurt like hell when you hugged me and I felt nothing