Category: Poetry

I cannot erase the memory of laying in your room
Candlelight burning as we whispered sweet nothings
Limbs entangled with smudged mascara
I didn’t care about my messy hair
The memory of your room haunts me
Your ghost doesn’t care that I’m not there
Nothing is ever casual to me
Never ordinary
Never just a feeling
Never just a fling
I feel everything to it’s full extent and I hate that you know that about me
You showed parts of me that I’ve never seen before and I am grateful but so angry that you aren’t around anymore
Nothing about what we had was ordinary
But god what a dull goodbye
You hugged me and I didn’t shed a tear until you were no longer in sight
The reality that I will never lay peacefully in your bed again kicks in and I am alone walking home to the place I know I don’t belong

Your “truth” pierces my heart on a Sunday night
Sweet nothings whispered gently in the early hours of the morning now mean nothing
Feelings I can only feel with you
Erased from my brain in an act of self preservation

Your gentle eyes see right through me
I know my heart feels more
I know yours is far from mine
The eyes I once admired in the depths of the night have made mine blue

I should have woken up in your arms this morning
Instead I woke up in a state of denial
The pain lingers as I lie in the bed where I ended it
I would rather lay in my bed of pain healing my wounds
Instead of lying in your bed of lies, denying the lack of love for a sense of warmth

You replaced me before I was even gone
Shadows of the man you used to be pass through my mind
Perhaps your act was all too good
The second you laid with another I was gone
Perhaps that was your goal all along

I kiss you, just to kiss you
Not because it will lead to sex
I want you, I do
But I want all of you
I kiss you to feel every part of your mouth
To savour the taste of you
Because I know this too, is temporary
We will make love
We will entangle one another with affectionate words
I allow myself to feel it all
We play husband and wife and kiss goodnight
I want to dive inside your mind
Discover every pain and heartbreak and pain you have ever felt so I can heal you
I know that ultimately you simply don’t like me much
So I will kiss you again
Just to kiss you
Just to feel you
And you will kiss me
You will feel me
But you will not have me

I’d let you ruin my sleep

I’d let you kiss me with morning breath

But when I am by your side

You hold me like a temporary being

 

I’ll put on my make up to make my eyes pop

But they light up when I see you anyway

I wish I could hide that from you

You don’t see yourself in my eyes

 

I see you from across the room

In my eyes you are a mirror ball, lighting up the room

You do not see me and I know that is for the best

But I wish I knew what changed

Why do I not shine for you like I used to

I cannot argue with your ghost
Cannot reason with the dead
I take your silence everywhere with me
I carry it like a wounded bird

It is likely that you do not think of me fondly
I split my emotions at the bar and became the thing you feared
Arrogantly, I stand right where you left me

Oh how she longs to be the cool girl
Instead she will replay every moment that went wrong
Every word, every glance, every interaction at the bar

She will wear perfume in her hair
She will hope the smell lingers and reminds him of her
But instead it will bring him bitter memories
Of the girl who could no longer play it cool
She felt too much
She said too much
She was too much

I wash my hair for the first time since you left
The traces of your cologne are erased permanently
The last love bite you left is fading away
The first snow has fallen and you weren’t there

I stand at the bus stop you walked me to on our first date
The air was warm when we met
Now I stand in the same spot as the snow pierces my skin with no lover to hold

I stare blankly at my phone
Waiting for your call
I know nothing will come
I know my words were too strong
My feelings too much
I long so much to be the poem and not the poet

Your drunk texts used to excite me
Now I’m not even worthy of your sober second thoughts
Not even worthy of a Friday night drunk text

What kind of conversations went on with your friends
That made my name twist its way into your liquor filled talks

The friends that I once met and talked with while you made eyes at me from across the room

I stayed in that place for far too long

That place between comfort and holding on

Holding onto nothing but a vague memory

A feeling that started to fade, but I was determined to keep

There is strength and fear in letting go

The places that once instilled fear in my heart

Are now places of solitude and peace

The streets of my pain become memories

That’s all you are, a memory

I love the solitude I feel on trains
The feeling of moving away from something and going to something new
The lovely in-between where I don’t have to think

Where I hold onto infinite nothingness
Where I belong to no one and no city
Simple existing amongst the fellow travellers

When I arrive at my destination
Whether I am home or somewhere new
I feel a beautiful sense of renewal
The train is my place of worship
The journey in between; my religion

Never ending scenes of nature
I feel small but powerful
I am part of that temporary sweet nothing